Wednesday, November 08, 2000

Sunday, November 05, 2000

Saturday, November 04, 2000

My loneliness consumes me. I don't know what to do anymore. Blah. Oh well. My ear is burning. My stupid bitch of a mom slapped me… heh. My love didn't call me tonight. I guess that means tomorrow? Fuck if I know. He's out living his life without me. Long distance relationships suck. He said that he'd move out here, but turns out that was just talk. I guess I'm going to have to go out there…I don't know if that's an option yet. I don't know what I know anymore.
Kevin came over to fix my dad's computer right…and I felt stupid because all he did was put some stupid recovery disk in and boom it worked. Oh well, now I know for next time. Plus now I have a new hard drive to play with…even though its only 4 gig.
I feel like crying and I don't know why. I hate this. I feel like I did a year ago; like I was lost in a pit of despair never to find my way out, never to see the light of day again. What to do, what to do.

What is it about me that makes people not want to be around me? I can't figure it out. Why do I not have friends? It seems everyone else does. Everyone is happy but me. I'm jealous of those who have people to tell everything to. I want a best friend. I want someone I can trust with anything and everything. My bf, I dunno, sometimes I don't feel like I can tell him everything…I guess I just think he wont understand. I don't know. It's like when I find someone I think may be friend worthy, they turn out to be someone I don't want to associate with. I don't need people in my life that are just out to get something from me. Charise was like that. I only existed to her when she wanted something or when she had a problem. She is dead to me. That boy from NOVA, hell I don't even remember his stupid name, lets just call him annoying boy, he was one of those user people. And more recently, at school I met this guy, Phil, and well he only talked to me when he was getting something out of it, or if he wanted something. When I said no I didn't have any or access to any of what he wanted, well that was the end of that. He's dead to me now too.
I'm having trouble relating to my bf. He needs to be here, this is getting unbearable. He has such a life, he has everything, well except me there, and I'm quite jealous of that. I hate jealousy, that emotion shits me to tears. When I'm jealous I tend to push that person away, no good can come of that. I love him with all of my heart. I've never felt this way before about another human being. It scares me that something is going to happen to push us apart. When I think about that I start thinking about if that happens I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I hate myself.

Friday, September 15, 2000

I'm talking to my baby. Yay me.
So today sucked a big phatty. Well the whole school part was ok, but everything sucked. I woke up, did my thing, got in the car to go to my first day of geek school, i swallow, and boom there it goes down my throat. I fooking swallowed one of the balls on one of my tongue rings So I get over that, I go to school, sit 5 hours in a classroom, which wasn't so bad, except for Benjamin the Annoying. He kept blurting annoying shiat out, I think he just likes to hear his own voice. We got our laptops today. Pretty damn nice, compaqs. Woo woo raise the roof for compaqs! hehe
So I get out of school, I drive home, mind you it took almost an hour because of the stupid DC area's rush hour traffic patterns. PEOPLE CANNOT DRIVE!! $%^^$^*(%&(%&)$%^ GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Ok anyways movin right along. I FINALLY get home and as soon as I get into my bedroom and throw my shit on the floor, the phone rings. It's my dad, telling me he hasn't left yet, while I'm being told by my visiting grandparents that my mother went to the metro station to pick him up...lot of good that does considering he hadn't left. So he doesn't ask but tells me to go to the station and tell my mom to go home and have me wait for him. So i get there and shes not there, she got home right after I left. So I had to wait at the lame metro station for an hour. Can you guess who was really happy? Not Marissa!!
But I got home, talked to Bill, did some homework, and I began to feel better. I really should go to sleep though...but damnit Bill is just more important I think.
Ok I'll stop boring myself..and you most likely. I'll write something interesting soon :)

Wednesday, September 13, 2000

Grrrr I just started writing and all of a sudden I go to change one little thing and everything I wrote was lost...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!
Oh well such is life, I shall move on :)
So like I have strep throat. That is so much fun, I highly suggest you going out and getting it. I can barely swallow and when I am actually able to, I feel all this pus down there and I swallow it..yum!
I just woke up from a nap, you know how when you wake up sometimes you REALLY have to pee? Well it was one of those times for me. So I quickly felt my way to the bathroom (I am blind as a bat and I don't have all that rad sonar stuff, hehe, I digress) and just as I was about to sit my lily white ass down, I happened to notice a big black blur on the carpet. I KNEW that it wasn't a black blur that was supposed to be there, and with my fear of bugs and all, well, I couldn't take any chances. So I went out and got my glasses on, and I slowly peeked into my bathroom. Guess what I saw...THE BIGGEST FOOKING CRICKET EVER!!!! I just about peed my pants, remember I still had to go..hehe..anyways. So I RAN upstairs and grabbed my Henry (he is the bombass hunter) and i carried him downstairs. Having just been awakened from a nap, he was none too thrilled. But as soon as he saw the cricket he went into cat stalking mode. Once I had him situated down there, I ran upstairs and peed :) I then came back down to check on him, then to crawl back into bed. I looked inside the bathroom and he had pulled the legs off of Chirpy the Cricket...hehehe...yay Henry!! Let's all do the cabbage patch for him So I laid in bed for a while, but I wasn't tired anymore, so here I am. Yay for you.
On another note, I miss Bill, my boyfriend. I know he's moving here soon, but I'm getting very impatient. Why does Seattle have to be SO FAR from Virginia!! GRRR
I love you Billy :)